Bad Street Herald

As previously stated, this journal is dead.

It is now located at dukedavis.wordpress.com.

Thanks for reading. All five of you. Please visit the new site and tell all your fat friends.

I haven't held my opinions on the recent episodes of SNL secret. I wrote about it one night after being thoroughly frustrated with a rerun on E!. But I couldn't turn down an opportunity to watch Tom Brady host this week. Athletes on SNL have mixed results. The Rock was awesome. Both times. He set the new bar, although Jordan was pretty good. Jeter was decent, but not all that great, especially compared to the Blue Chipper. Joe Montana probably had the best single moment ("I'm gonna go upstairs and masturbate"). Gretzky wasn't awful, but he was kinda stiff.
Anyway, I may be biased, but Brady was pretty good. Here's my scorecard.

OPENING SKETCH: Chris Parnell as Tom DeLay, talking about why he's come under fire. He says it's because he's stubborn in getting congressmen to agree on bills, and a lot of file footage follows of cars exploding. It sucked. Didn't get me all that pumped for the show. Parnell did his best, but the script wasn't all that good and I couldn't take my eye off the wierd pimple/whitehead/something-or-other on the side of his mouth.
MONOLOGUE: Brady sings about how talented he is. Not bad. Better than a lot of monologues I've seen, although like most of the time with non-actors, the comedy comes from it simply being Tom Brady. He's not a terrible singer, but he's no Waltah.
FIRST HALF SKITS: A few relatively funny ones. Once again, the comedy comes from seeing Tom Brady telling jokes. There was a Falconer skit, but it wasn't that good. A Tom Brady gimmick restaurant sketch, which appears to be a requisite for non-actor guests (Jeter, Trump, Sharpton all did them)
MUSICAL GUEST: Beck. Kind of a boring song, but Beck's a cool dude, so I won't hold it against him.
SMIGEL CARTOON: Not a cartoon at all, but rather a 50's style instructional video on avoiding sexual harassment. One of the new guys played the guy who did things wrong, and Brady was the guy who did things right. Jolly good fun.
WEEKEND UPDATE: How I miss Kevin Nealon. They weren't terrible, better than Dennis Miller, but an appearance by Jiminy Glick instantly redeemed it. He had a quick sketch of an interview with him and Lorne Michaels in 1975, with one of the newer guys doing an unbelievable Michaels. Laughed me ass off.
SECOND HALF SKITS: I like Amy Poehler, and she did a good job at being incredibly annoying as her character would require her to do, but the first sketch off the break was very irritating and not all that good. There was a Behind the Music: Super Bowl Shuffle skit that was really funny, though. Brady as McMahon, Kenan Thompson as the Fridge. You can't go wrong. Brady has been pretty impressive, I must say. Not Rock-level, but pretty damn good. A strange skit at the end with Maya Rudolph as a lounge singer and Brady as a Kenny G-like trumpet player. Typical second-half skit quality. The last sketch was good. Peyton Manning (played by Seth Myers), Donovan McNabb (one of the new guys) and Donovan McNabb's mother (Kenan) all question why Brady got chosen to host. You could tell Brady was uncomfortable in this one, as I'm sure he thought it looked like he was making fun of Manning and McNabb. As much as I despise their whining, I respect Manning and Brady does too. Nevertheless, short but funny. Mrs. McNabb was, of course, the funniest part.

SCREWED UP LINES: 3, as far as I can tell. Only one of which appeared to mess up the pacing of the sketch.
CRACK-UPS: 2. One just a small smile as the camera was pulling away, but the second came as a result of the aforementioned screwup. Brady must've said a line too early, but it resulted in Horatio Sanz trying to ad-lib something to get the sketch back on track. It must've been an important line or something. Whutevah.

GRADES
Show: There's still a definite need for some better writing on the show. The cast members are alright. B-
Brady: Considering he's not an actor, he did quite a good job. He wasn't as stiff as Jeter, and he definitely didn't seem nervous. He made a few small mistakes, as expected, but he got the job done. A-

    You know what I hate? Sugar substitutes. NutraSweet, Aspartame, Splenda, Sweet n Low, Sucralose, all of em. Now, I know what you're saying. If you don't like it, don't drink it. This is harder than it seems. It appears that drink manufacturers no longer want you to know what you're drinking. They no longer post DIET explicitly on the can, and when they do, the rest of the container doesn't look any different than the standard fare. In some cases, they don't put anything on there except maybe "Calorie Free".
    Why the sudden backlash against diet beverages? Because they've been tricking me lately. A few weeks ago, I bought a bottle of Arizona Blueberry Iced Tea. It proclaimed itself Lo-Carb, but I didn't think much of it. I searched the ingredients, and there was no aspartame. Cool. I bring it home, and I get that shitty aspartame taste. Splenda? What the fuck? So that's been collecting dust in my fridge, if such a thing is possible. Last week, I bought a large can of Arizona Peach Iced Tea. Of course, it was Diet Peach Iced Tea, but they print the "diet" in a way that it almost blends in with the background. Here's a picture, but this picture doesn't do it justice. When stacked next to other non-diet beverages, it looks just like every one. And remember when diet drinks had a completely different-looking can? Pepsi forgot to do this, as their diet can looked just like their regular can until they changed it in the late 90s. Does Arizona remember this? Do they understand that most people want to lose weight, but they don't drink Diet sodas for a reason (primary reason: they taste like shit)?
    The real outrage goes to Clearly Canadian. I fucking loved Clearly Canadian when I was a kid. I couldn't find it after a while, but about a year ago, the Brooks near my house started selling it again. Far out. I drink it all summer, but there's none near me when I go to school. So I come home last weekend, and we stop at Brooks hoping to get some leftover Easter candy cheap (there wasn't much). I get Cherry flavored Clearly Canadian.

And there's fucking sucralose in it.

Why did they do this to me? According to the website:
We recognized the heightened demand in today’s marketplace for healthier food and beverage choices that provide a lower carbohydrate and calorie choice and still deliver on taste. We have reformulated Clearly Canadian to meet the needs of contemporary consumers while staying true to the legacy of our great Clearly Canadian flavours.

Well that's nice. EXCEPT YOU JUST TOOK A BIG SHIT ON THE LEGACY OF YOUR GREAT FLAVOURS. It burns me! I loved this shit. They replaced the high-fructose corn syrup with cane sugar, which is fine. 365 does it, as does Phylo Tea, which I've just discovered. But why do you have to add sucralose? Maybe it doesn't cause brain cancer like NutraSweet, but it still tastes like shit. Why couldn't you just sell your magical formula as Clearly Canadian Pure or something like that? Why? The bottle looks exactly the same.

Why does someone always ruin everything I like? I should just take up shuffleboard or something. That never changes, although I'm sure if I started playing it, then it would become trendy and you'd get Aviril Levigne clones, or however you spell the bitch's name, fucking up my shuffleboard, giving me the horns and telling me how cool anarchy would be.

Seriously. Everything I like gets ruined, usually shortly after I discover it. Videogames? Taken over by "GAMERZLOL:)==>". Red Sox? Taken over by pink hats, Sweet Caroline and Jimmy Fallon. Sealab? Goz dies and it turns to shit. Home Movies? Cancelled. WCW? Folds. Rage Against the Machine? Breaks up.

And people ask me why I'm such a hermit, living a few miles away from anyone in my age level.

Actually, no one's asked me that.

I've just about had it with the way Pedro's been treated in Boston since he left. Now, I know most media personalities, especially in Boston, have their "binkies", or someone whom they hold in higher regard than most other athletes. For Glenn Ordway, it's Antoine. For Pete Sheppard, it's Brady. For Greg Dickerson, it's Rodney Harrison. For Dale Arnold, it's Ray Bourque. For John Dennis, it's Brad Faxon. For Bill Simmons, it's Larry. For Dan LeBatard, it's Ricky Williams. For Pedro Gomez, it's Barry Bonds. For Anthony Ardolino, it's Pedro Martinez.
My binky is Pedro. I've said it at least twice before on this LJ. Pedro was my favorite player on the Sox. I've never met him. I've never even seen him pitch in person. I liked him because he was a damn good pitcher, one of the best ever, and despite his diva attitude, he actually gave a damn about what he did on the field. His only weakness was that he was too honest. He represented what a lot of people, including myself, hate in athletes -- the ego, the cockiness, the overlying desire for money (a.k.a "respect") -- but he enraptured me. A man who started out with nothing and became quite possibly the richest man in the Dominican Republic. A man who, from 1998 to 2002, was almost literally unhittable. Before 2004, you could count the number of times he had been rocked on a parrot's foot. For that one stretch of time, he was the best in pitcher in baseball and quite possibly the best ever in the modern era, matched perhaps only by Koufax in terms of sheer dominance. Clemens was great, and did it longer, but not nearly this good.
But when 2004 came around, we knew two things. One, 2004 Pedro wasn't as good as 1999 Pedro, and two, when his contract expired at the end of the year, some team like the Angels, Mets, or even the Yankees will throw tons of money at him, thinking they're getting 1999 Pedro. We secretly hoped his good-but-not-great 2004 numbers would convince him to stay for less. But, to quote the god-damn-awesome ending to Snake Eater, something happened that no one could have predicted.
The Boston Red Sox won the World Series for the first time in 86 years.
Now, despite what Boston Dirt Dogs tells you, Curt Schilling didn't singlehandedly win the World Series. He didn't steal second in Game 4 of the ALCS. He didn't hit the home run in Game 6 against the Yankees, nor did he strike out Tony Clark with the tying run on second. He didn't hit the grand slam in Game 7. He didn't go out there in Game 1, 3, or 4 of the World Series. He didn't hit a home run to break a tie in the 8th in Game 1. He didn't throw out Larry Walker at home, he didn't hit a bases-loaded double to put Game 7 out of reach. Make no mistake, Schilling's starts in Game 6 and Game 2 were huge. He kept the Yanks and Cardinals out of the game before they ever had a chance to get in. The bloody sock will be as much a figure in Boston lore as Orr flying through the air, Havlicek stealing the ball, and Vinatieri splitting the uprights. But Curt Schilling didn't win the 2004 World Series.
The Boston Red Sox won the 2004 World Series.
That includes Byung Hyun Kim, Ramiro Mendoza, Cesar Crespo, Andy Dominique, Doug Mienkiewicz, Nomar Garciaparra, and Pedro Fucking Martinez. Pedro Martinez kicked the Angels' collective asses in Game 2. He pitched Game 2 and 5 of the ALCS well enough to win. He left the Cardinals gibbering vegetables in Game 3, all but clinching the trophy. Pedro Martinez had no more or less an effect on the outcome as Schilling, Lowe, Wakefield, Foulke, Manny, Bellhorn, Damon, Ortiz, or Roberts. Without any of them, things wouldn't have gone like they did, and we might be complaining right now about 87 long years of heartbreak. I may be partial, but Pedro Martinez was every bit as important as any of the 25 men. As far was we know, he might have been more important.
Pedro doesn't owe us a thing. He said he wanted to stay here, and he very well may have been full of shit. We offered him more money than we thought he was worth, and the Mets offered him more money and another year. If you are a smart human being, you'll take the money. If his arm falls off next week, the Mets owe him all four years. He wouldn't have got that from the Sox. The negotiations were ugly. The Sox tried to justify their low offer with his 2004 stats, which was expected. Pedro took offense to this, as one would also expect. Omar Minaya blew smoke up his ass, made him feel like 1999 Pedro, and he signed to play in Flushing.
Good for him, I say. He did his time here. He gave us at least five years of the greatest pitching the world will ever see. He helped us win a World Series. He didn't show up for the ring ceremony because he was being paid $14 million by the Mets to be at their home opener. If you think he should've skipped the Mets home opener for his former team, you're delusional and an emotional bitch. I would have loved to see him there yesterday. Pedro holds no ill will towards the fans. He hasn't said anything negative about us, only the management, whom he thinks lowballed him. And he's probably correct in that assumption too. With the money we saved on him, we signed Wells, Clement and Wade Miller. We all knew Pedro was gone after last year. If we kept him, fantastic. But we all knew he was gonna take the money. He may be bitter towards Sox management, but that doesn't mean we should be bitter about him. He's a Met now. Wish him luck. It looks like he's gonna have a good season, if his first two starts are any indication. He gave us everything we wanted and more. He's gone now, and he spout out a little more than we wanted to hear, but that doesn't erase everything he did for us.

Leave Pedro alone.

How come I've been out of high school for only 11 months, and yet, after hanging out with members of the Class of 2005, I couldn't understand a god damn thing they said? I'd love to repeat some of the terminology, but to be honest, it was like being yelled at by a Japanese guy. He said something, but I'll be damned if I know what.

I haven't had much going on lately. I stopped by D-Y today, saw some of me old mates. Well, they were kids who were on the baseball team who were a grade younger than me. I was able to convince Bobby Ewing that chicks go fucking crazy for you in college when you wear Van Halen T-Shirts. But I felt bad, and told him I didn't know for sure if it worked. I think it does, though. I need a Van Halen shirt to test it out.

Nice to see the Sox win, although at this moment, I'm honestly more interested in the Brawlers.

Don Hertzfeldt's new film is showing in Boston. At Brookline. At midnight. When no buses are running. Methinks Anthony is going to have to use his bicycle.

So here's my predictions for the upcoming MLB season. So there.

TEAM FINISHES (*=Wild Card)
-------------
AL East
Yankees
Red Sox *
Orioles
Blue Jays
Devil Rays

AL Central
Twins
Indians
Tigers
White Sox
Royals

AL West
Angels
Mariners
Rangers
A's

NL East
Braves
Marlins
Mets
Phillies
Nationals

NL Central
Cardinals
Cubs*
Astros
Reds
Pirates
Brewers

NL West
Padres
Diamondbacks
Giants
Dodgers
Rockies

ALCS: Twins over Red Sox
NLCS: Braves over Cubs
WS: Twins over Braves

Player Awards
----------------
AL MVP: David Ortiz
NL MVP: Albert Pujols

AL Cy Young: Johan Santana
NL Cy Young: Jason Schmidt

AL Batting Champion: Ichiro
NL Batting Champion: Albert Pujols

Miscallenous

• Ichiro will break his own single season hit record. He will hit above .380, but probably won't reach .400
• Randy Johnson will be good when he's healthy, but he'll miss more than a month total with injures
• Barry Bonds will be playing by June
• Ken Griffey Jr. will have a productive first half to the season, the Reds will win and trade Wily Mo Pena
• Ken Griffey Jr. will get injured in July and the Reds will fall out of contention
  

Boston Dirt Dogs posted breaking news that Jose Canseco was going to join the Red Sox for the 2005 season.
This makes sense, because the 2004 Dodgers, a team desperate for hitting, didn't even give him an invitation. He showed up with all the other average joes. And the 2005 Sox are severely lacking in the outfield.

WrestleCrap said they were being sold to Vince Russo.
Even though Vince Russo doesn't have any money and would have no use for it.

The Game Sprite Archive said they were ordered to cease and desist by a district court.
But the site remained up.

Yes, these are all April Fools Jokes, key word being joke. But the best pranks are the ones that take a while to realize that it's not true, or it takes someone else to tell you altogether. There have been some unbelievable April Fools pranks. In the late 50s, a news station in England showed clips of spaghetti trees being harvested. It looked real, the narrator spoke with real conviction, and people wrote in asking where they could get these trees. A good April Fools prank makes you forget what day it is for a minute. If WrestleCrap said they were selling themselves to WWE, that would be more believable. The WWE has been, in recent years, doing everything to showcase their past. Now, it still wouldn't be convincing on their own. They'd need to see if they could get WWE in on the joke and post something about it on their site as well. Boston Dirt Dogs already did their April Fools joke a month earlier, when they gave up any journalistic integrity they might have had and posted a slander piece on Nomar without checking their source, which turned out to be a hoax. Being affiliated with the Boston Globe certainly didn't paint themselves in any better light. GSA should've removed the page altogether a few days ago, then posted a barebones site with a scan of a cease and desist letter, similar to the one Fensler got from Hasbro when they were told to stop doing the GI Joe PSAs. I think with the advent of the internet, where everyone has a hilarious idea for a prank, April Fools Day has lost it's muster.

It's too bad. It's a great holiday.

Also, anyone who is wondering what that last post in my comments section was about, I'm having a semi-debate about nudity in film with my arch-nemesis, Katie. What a bitch. The thread can be seen here.

In order to find out how many people read this (I can't imagine it's more than 3), we'll play a game. I list 15 random song lyrics, you post the song and artist in the comments section. I bet no one will respond. If Dan knew how to use a computer, I bet he'd know just about all of them.

1. Even though they're laughing at you and the stupid things you do.

2. I don't feel tardy.

3. And Disney bought the fantasies and piles of eyes.

4. Everybody tryin' to tell me that you didn't mean me no good

5. They don't care about feelings, they were meant to be stepped on.

6. I'm a hunter for hire with no plans to retire.

7. But don't ya know that no one alive can always be an angel.

8. They're saving the planet and also the Earth.

9. You have been accused of mass mental cruelty. How do you plead?

10. No man ever understood you're genius.

11. I won't be frustrated by destruction in your eyes.

12. I know the kings of England and can quote the fights historical.

13. Rapunzel! Rapunzel! Let down your hair! So I can climb up and get into your underwear.

14. And they want us to grow up. We don't want to get a job.

15. I can dance. You will see. The others, they all learn from me.

BONUS!

16. You better take it all. They'll tell you what they know, but they won't show.

I had a strange dream the other night. Sean Cahill, a friend from high school, showed up at my door one day and we talked for a minute or two. He seemed nervous, and had a large envelope in his hand, but he had left it behind when he was leaving. He got in his car, and I found the envelope. I called out to him as he was pulling away, but he told me to keep it. Inside was a goddamn ton of money, at least for me; something like $800, if I remember correctly. Now Sean wasn’t one of my closest friends or anything. He was on both the football and baseball team, and we got along. I had been to his house twice for a gathering with the rest of the baseball team but that was about it. A nice kid, but we weren’t best buds by any means. I didn’t even know his screen name. So I was surprised by the visit. Now, the night I had the dream, I was also flat out of money in real life. Before this weekend, I had $2 in my pocket, $1 in my checking account and $3 in my savings account. So Dream Anthony was very excited about this sudden increase in money.
The rest of the dream was tangled and screwed up. My neighborhood no longer represented the one I live on in Everett. Anyway, the dream went that Sean was found dead the next day, murdered. I somehow find out that he was in some sort of gang, either a mafia or a simple drug ring or whatever, and something got screwed up. He ran off with the money, realized he was toast, so he gave it to me, because no one would have suspected me as a contact of his. Although when I woke up, my immediate feeling was disappointment because I didn’t end up with the $800 in real life, I thought about it some more that morning. What if that actually happened? Depending on what kind of gang and what kinds of resources they had, they’d probably eventually find out I had the money.
Supposing they do, they would have a few reactions once they find out. If I spent any of it, they’d either kill me or cut off my Johnson. Even if I hadn’t spent any of it, they might just stake me out and kill me on my way to school, then break in and take the money and my TV. They might break in while I’m sitting at my computer and be benevolent about it, just kindly asking for the money and leaving, not giving a rat’s ass if I saw their faces or called the cops. While that is the most attractive option, I’m sure it’s also the least likely. What options are there that result in the fewest lives being lost and never having to get involved in this risky business again, or at least until Ben Pietro or Dave Martin stop by?
I could see the cops about it, but the gang probably wouldn’t like that. I suppose the best option would be to figure out a way to return the money to the gang without getting my hands too dirty. This would be hard to do. I’d have to find someone who’s down with the crime underworld who won’t get suspicious of me. I couldn’t just give it to some random henchman. I’d need to give it to the boss himself, or at least someone as close to him as possible. The problem in this lies in the trust of the gang. If I show up at their hideout, how do they know I don’t have a wire or wasn’t followed by the cops? How much did the guy hate Cahill? Enough to kill me for the hell of it?
I guess the moral of the story is, Sean Cahill, if you’re reading this, 1: Don’t get involved in drug deals, and 2: Stay the hell away from me if you can’t agree to number 1. Other than that, Cahill’s a nice kid, and I hope I can catch him in a ballgame at some point this spring.

We wrap up our preview with random tidbits for the start of the season. We will resume Anthony's life on Monday (or early Tuesday morning).

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FRONT OFFICE/COACHING STAFF

GM/MANAGER -- Delonte West
The smooth-shooting Boston Celtics rookie replaced teammate Antoine Walker in the general manager's booth after Walker resigned. West is a proven commodity in the front office, leading St. Joseph's University to an undefeated regular season with his brilliant decision to sign PG Jameer Nelson as a free agent. After a deal for Skip Torre, brother of legendary Yankees manager Joe, fell through during contract negotiations, West took the interim manager role. He doesn't expect to be there for long, as he is interviewing candidates as we speak. There will probably be a manager named by next Monday.

OWNER -- Duke Davis
A former punk rocker and the world's coolest martial arts vigilante, Duke Davis has owned the Brawlers consistently since August of 2003. He originally purchased the team near the end of the 2002 season, but later sold it to Yankees owner George Steinbrenner. After the team was bought and sold by numerous slave owners, soccer clubs, terrorist organizations, pro wrestlers, and a few other MLB teams, including the Yankees for a second time, Davis finally got the team back shortly before their miracle 2003 Championship run. While no longer touring the world with his punk rock band or beating up street toughs for a living, Davis does enjoy the occasional jam session or fight with punks who are loitering outside convenience stores.

CEO -- Anthony Ardolino
A founding member of the team when it was known as the Boston BeerDrinkers, Ardolino has remained on the team as the Cheif Executive Officer since selling the team three seasons ago. Despite no longer having a controlling interest in the club or a position that would require him do so, Ardolino probably has the most say in daily operations of the team, including lineups, transactions, and press releases. He is very muscular and is much more attractive than his ugly brother, Dom Ardolino, the founding father of the Boston Wicked Peens.

PRESIDENT -- George W. Bush
George W. Bush was elected the 43rd President of the United States in 2000 in one of the most lopsided victories by a presidential candidate. After dying for his country in Vietnam, Bush returned to bring numerous oil companies to prosperity before winning the presidency and saving the world from evil-doers in Iraq. He was reelected in 2004, and he continues to fight terror, wherever it may lurk, to protect this great country.

PRESIDENT OF BASEBALL OPERATIONS/CHAIRMAN -- Ahmed Johnson
A former professional wrestler and kindergarten teacher, Johnson is an indominatable portrait of the human spirit. His Pearl River Plunge is also the most devastating move in the history of America. He has been chairman since 2004, and was recently appointed president of baseball operations after his predecessor, "The Professor" Mike Tenay, left to pursue more lucrative options in the "You're Fired" T-shirt business that spawned shortly after the debut of NBC's "The Apprentice".

PITCHING COACH -- Dick Vitale
Vitale, no relation to the popular ESPN college basketball analyst, was a former minor league pitcher who spent 13 years in the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim California America Earth Milky Way Lucky Star Foundation Party system. While an arm injury derailed his career in 1988, Vitale was one of the more cerebral pitchers of the game, and is expected to be a big help to a young Brawlers pitching staff.

HITTING COACH -- Rodney Harrison
Harrison is currently a strong safety for the Three-Time Super Bowl Champion New England Patriots. While he has never played baseball beyond a little-league level, Harrison is one of the most notorious players in the league for delivering big hits when they matter most. He is expected to be fined every week until August, when he will have to leave the team to rejoin the Back-to-Back Super Bowl Champion New England Patriots.

---------------

OPPONENTS (in order of 2004 standings)

Boston Wicked Peens (BWP)
The Peens are the Brawlers' biggest rival. After defeating them in the semifinals in 2003, the Brawlers went on to take their championship the next round when they beat the Baltimore Skipjacks. The two were en route to a rematch in the finals but destiny was derailed for both teams in the semis. Despite being rivals, they often trade with each other. They have built a devastating lineup and rotation by fleecing other teams for their early draft picks. They play in Dorchester, just south of downtown Boston.
KEY PLAYERS: Vlad Guerrero, Carlos Beltran, Adrian Beltre, Ben Sheets
PRESEASON GRADE: A

Rochester Red Wings (RRW)
Despite an off-year in 2003, the Red Wings are perennial title contenders and blood rivals with the Wicked Peens. They were defeated by the Baltimore Colts in the 2004 finals and the Peens in both 2002 championships. Owned by Pulitzer Prize-winning music journalist Andy Wirtanen, the Wings often find their players enjoying career years at just the right time.
KEY PLAYERS: Jim Edmonds, Victor Martinez, Aramis Ramirez, Carl Pavano
PRESEASON GRADE: B-

Baltimore Colts (BLC)
The defending champions, the Colts stole the title from the Brawlers after catching them in their worst statistical week all season in the semifinals. Joel Miller is an asshole and his team will not repeat this year.
KEY PLAYERS: Mark Teixeira, Hank Blalock, Carlos Zambrano, Brad Lidge
PRESEASON GRADE: B+

Baltimore Skipjacks (BLS)
The Skipjacks are the pre-2004 Boston Red Sox of the Old Stadiums Club. They have great regular seasons, then choke when it matters most. They were crushed hilariously by the Brawlers in 2003 as the final step to their championship. They are rivals with the Colts in a cross-town feud. The Colts win the matchup most of the time.
KEY PLAYERS: Eric Gagne, Carlos Delgado, Derek Jeter, Kerry Wood
PRESEASON GRADE: B-

Hartford Cop Killers (HCK)
An expansion member of OSC in 2004, the Cop Killers managed to secure the final playoff spot but lost in the first round to the Red Wings. They have one of the more lopsided lineups, with either great players or non-roster invitees. They also have a damn good bullpen. Killed many cops in their first year of existence.
KEY PLAYERS: Alex Rodriguez, Hideki Matsui, Mariano Rivera, Keith Foulke
PRESEASON GRADE: C+

DaNang Damn Commies (DDC)
Formerly the Beastie Boys and Paragons of Virtue, the Damn Commies currently play in Vietnam. The trip over there is not enjoyed by many if only because it's so damn far away. Also, no one can order a Coke without being escorted into a room with a teenage girl, which is a very awkward situation when the players' wives are present. A good team with a great (although scant) pitching staff, though.
KEY PLAYERS: Curt Schilling, John Smoltz, Miguel Tejada, Melvin Mora
PRESEASON GRADE: B

Crazy Injuns (CI)
A great 2003 season was followed with disappointment in 2004, as Sivram's Injun's fell short and far out of contention. A heavy hitting lineup should bring them close, but their pitching staff is not very top-heavy. Their bullpen is also a question mark, but their lineup should win some games on their own. Their home field is in Georgia.
KEY PLAYERS: Todd Helton, Gary Sheffield, Barry Bonds, Tim Hudson
PRESEASON GRADE: B-

Roids? What Roids? (RWR)
Formerly the Giant's-A's-Snakes, the Roids have good pitchers but little depth in their rotation. Their lineup is genetically enhanced, but they have a few consistent hitters. They probably won't get in the playoffs but they will make mighty fine spoilers. They are also the only team owned by a dirty hippie, and they play somewhere in the Bay Area.
KEY PLAYERS: Randy Johnson, Eric Chavez, Jason Schmidt, Carl Crawford
PRESEASON GRADE: C+

Sex in the Pujol (SP)
Another 2003 powerhouse who fell flat in 2004, Sex in the Pujol was last known as HelloMyNameis3ugene. They were the original Paragons of Virtue and had a penchant for Bronx Bombers, but things just couldn't go right last year after an '03 season that saw them spend many weeks in first place. They are greatly improved this year. They play in New Jersey.
KEY PLAYERS: Albert Pujols, Alfonso Soriano, Bobby Abreu, Roger Clemens
PRESEASON GRADE: B+

Sex with Anna Benson (SAB)
Named after an enticing prospect, the former DarrylStrawberries are usually bottom dwellers in OSC. That doesn't mean they dont' have good players, though. Owner/ladies man Rob Saccardi is constantly bombarded with requests for his employees (and draft picks), and often demands a king's ransom for them. Many times, he gets it too. They play in Queens.
KEY PLAYERS: Jeromy Burnitz, Jose Reyes, David Wright, Pedro Martinez
PRESEASON GRADE: C

Tinker-Evers-Chance (TEC)
Formerly the Royal Rooters, the kings of the basement slayed Goliath in 2004 when they upset the Brawlers in convincing fashion. The loss was devastating for Bad Street and capped a frustrating losing stretch, but turned out to be the catalyst for the rest of their season, which saw them go undefeated. Although lacking in the pitching department since losing Roger Clemens, Tinker-Evers-Chance has an impressive lineup with potential to steal a series, if not just take a few games from pretenders and make a difference in the final standings. They play in Boston in a cosmic time warp.
KEY PLAYERS: Manny Ramirez, David Ortiz, Edgar Renteria, Johnny Damon
PRESEASON GRADE: C-

---------------

SCHEDULE

at RWR
at BWP
vs BLC
at TEC
vs BLS
vs SP
vs RRW
at HCK
vs CI
at DDC
at SAB
vs RWR
vs BWP
at BLC
vs TEC*
at BLS
at SP
at RRW
vs HCK
at CI
vs DDC
vs SAB

*Heritage Week (high-school jerseys)

Today is the preview of the pitching staff. Tomorrow will conclude our preview with a look at the Brawlers front office, their schedule, and a quick look at their opponents.

STARTER -- Johan Santana
Santana, despite has being a member of the Brawlers all three years, is in his second stint with the team, when he was drafted by the Hartford Cop Killers in 2004 after contributing to the 2003 championship team. He was later reacquired along with Jay Payton for Bret Boone, a trade which benefited the Brawlers numerous ways, as Boone had a subpar year, Payton was used to acquire Jason Kendall, and Santana went on to win the Cy Young. The best strikeout pitcher in the game, Santana’s only weakness is giving up the longball, which is rare in itself. He is arguably the best pitcher in the league at the moment and, at the age of 26, is expected to be among the best for years to come.

STARTER -- Oliver Perez
Perez was acquired in 2004 in exchange for Victor Martinez, a move which is debated to this day. Martinez was arguably second only to Ivan Rodriguez among catchers in 2004, and his production was hard to replace. Perez went on to have a stellar year regardless, racking up strikeouts. He is the only pitcher who Barry Bonds fears facing. He was almost left off the 2005 roster in favor of Jake Peavy, but his performance and young age influenced then-GM Antoine Walker to retain him instead.

RELIEVER -- Francisco Rodriguez
Nicknamed “K-Rod”, Rodriguez is considered to have the best pure stuff among relievers in the game. He has yet to close on a full-time basis, but there is plenty of confidence placed in him by the Brawlers, who chose him as their second overall pick, the first pick in the second round. Another strikeout machine, K-Rod has been unhittable through long stretches, and the Brawlers are hoping this trend will continue into 2005.

RELIEVER -- Guillermo Mota
Another former setup man, Mota is a talented strikeout artist and lifelong nemesis of Mike Piazza. Mota has had a few consistency problems, and is also unproven as a closer, but the Brawlers are hoping he’ll be able to put it together for 2005.

RELIEVER -- Bob Wickman
The oldest player on the Brawlers, Bob Wickman is a big question mark entering 2005. He missed all of 2003 and parts of 2004 after Tommy John surgery, but he has been one of the more consistent closers in the past. He’s not much of a strikeout pitcher, but he should get a few saves here or there, assuming he stays healthy. His job might not be as secure as he would like, though, as the Brawlers are keeping an eye on Justin Speier, Ugueth Urbina, and a few other closing prospects.

STARTER -- Russ Ortiz
Ortiz was a big surprise in 2003 but had an off-year in 2004. He’s not outstanding in any particular category, but he is relatively consistent in most of them. He averages about 150 strikeouts, 1.4 WHIP, and hasn’t missed many games to injury, averaging 33 starts per season. He’s also one of the best pitchers on the team at inducing double plays. Not expected to be an ace, but is capable of holding the line in between starts by the Big Two.

STARTER -- Freddy Garcia
A young, durable pitcher, Garcia had a great 2004 season, despite what his ERA shows. He has yet to hit 200 strikeouts in a season, but he has had three 170+ K seasons, reaching 184 last year. His WHIP levels out at around 1.2, and he allows very few walks. He may end up being a key member of the staff this season.

STARTER -- Joel Pineiro
Pineiro was another player who was a surprise in 2003 but slumped in 2004, this time due to injuries. It is assumed that the toll of making every start in ’03 was a contributor to this. Piniero was also a big contributor to the 2003 Brawlers championship team. He can eat up innings and maintain a relatively low ERA. Another big question mark entering this season.

STARTER -- Chris Carpenter
The surprise player of 2004 for the Brawlers, Carpenter is another guy who doesn’t blow you away in any specific category, but piles on the wins while keeping a respectable ERA and WHIP. His walk totals are also usually minimal.

STARTER -- Jeremy Bonderman
A young pitcher, Bonderman saw a significant improvement in 2004 over his 19-loss season in 2003. He is capable of racking up K’s, innings, and keeping a relatively low WHIP. A potential breakout year for the 22-year old.

STARTER -- Adam Eaton
After undergoing Tommy John surgery in 2001, Eaton has remained healthy the past few years and can be counted on for about 150 strikeouts and a WHIP below 1.3.

With a week to go before the start of the regular season, it's time for the first Bad Street Brawlers-related post of the Bad Street Herald. Pitchers will be looked at tommorow.

CATCHER -- Joe Mauer
The Brawlers' first pick in the draft, Mauer was considered the #1 rookie prospect in 2004. A knee injury derailed his season, but he managed to impress in the little playing time he had. He's been killing the ball this spring, hitting .444, with no apparent signs of further damage from the knee. Nevertheless, he is the biggest question mark on the Brawlers' roster, especially considering the slot he was drafted in and the lack of depth at his position. He could either be the best-hitting catcher in the league or a colossal bust.

1ST BASE -- Justin Morneau
A sophomore sensation who hit 20 homers in only a half a season of playing time after supplanting Doug Mientkewicz. His offseason has been plagued, literally, with numerous sicknesses and internal surgeries. As a result, he got off to a late start in spring, but it is expected it won't hurt his numbers all that much. The Brawlers chose him in the 6th round over other proven commodities hoping he can put up a full season on par with his rookie campaign, or at least replace some of the power production lost by last year's surprise Paul Konerko. If he enters a sophomore slump, he is backed up by Brad Wilkerson and Lyle Overbay.

2ND BASE -- Jose Vidro
A 3rd Round pick (36th overal), Jose Vidro has been slowed by injuries in the past but is still considered one of the better second basemen in the game. He is no longer playing on the AstroTurf that many think contributed to his bad knee and, if healthy, is capable of delivering a 15-homer, .330 BA season.

3RD BASE -- Scott Rolen
Despite being despised in the city of Philadelphia as much as Michael Irvin, Warren Sapp, Santa Claus, and Donovan McNabb, Rolen is a longtime Brawler and the team MVP of 2004. He was almost traded at the beginning of the season last year, but was held on to and proceeded to have the best season of his career. He injured his knee at the end of the season, essentially nullifying his value in the postseason, but both he and the Brawlers hope he can repeat his 2004 campaign en route to a second title in 3 years.

SHORTSTOP -- Orlando Cabrera
One of Bad Street Brawlers CEO Anthony Ardolino's favorite players, Cabrera should be in a position to steal a few bases and get some power numbers. He's also not a bad OPS guy. Is more on the team for clubhouse chemistry, but is still one of the top 10 shortstops in the game.

LEFT FIELD -- Miguel Cabrera
The unexpected-but-still-kinda-anticipated miracle child of the 2004 Bad Street Brawlers, Cabrera is regarded as the future of the franchise and is probably the only untouchable player on the team. His hitting has been compared to Manny Ramirez, and he is capable of playing both corner outfield positions, not to mention being raised in the minor leagues as a shortstop and third baseman. With power, slugging, average, and OPS, he is potentially the cornerstone player of the franchise for the next ten years.

CENTER FIELD -- Vernon Wells
Another big question mark, Wells had his best year in 2003 but slumped in '04. He has worked on his hitting in the offseason and has publicly stated he thinks he will hit 40 home runs this year. He will at least be counted on for a lot of RBIs, slugging, and hits. He's also capable of stealing a few bases.

RIGHT FIELD -- Ichiro Suzuki
The 8-time batting champion and single-season hit record holder, Ichiro is a base hit machine. In 2004, he got 262 hits, breaking an 84-year old record. In 2005, it is predicted by some that he may be the first man to hit .400 since Ted Williams in 1941. Simply put, he is the best hitter in baseball today, and that doesn't even take into account his speed on the basepaths and his flawless fielding. It is even assumed that he is perfectly capable of hitting for power if he so chose to, but instead chooses to almost guarantee himself on base. He may singlehandedly win games with his steals and hits alone.

DESIGNATED HITTER -- Brad Wilkerson
Reknowned for his ability to play first base and all three outfield positions, Wilkerson is a consistent power hitter who is also the best player on the team at drawing walks. He may end up being an RBI threat this year as well, as he is surrounded by a few great OBP guys this year as opposed to his last season. He is highly coveted by the Boston Wicked Peens, but it will take quite a bit to pry him away from the Brawlers.

BENCH -- CF -- Ken Griffey Jr.
Griffey enjoyed a brief renaissance in 2004 before falling victim yet again to his troublesome hamstring. He will start the season on the bench, but if he proves himself to be healthy, he very well may find himself back in the starting lineup. While no longer the stolen base threat he once was, Griffey is still capable of hitting the long ball.

BENCH -- 1B -- Lyle Overbay
Overbay had a breakout year in 2004 and served with the Brawlers briefly before moving on to start with HelloMyNameis3ugene. He is an RBI threat with decent power and walk numbers. A good all-around hitter who will be used as insurance against a sophomore slump from Justin Morneau.

Since nothing important's going on right now, here's another survey, this time one I made myself.

THE FAVORITES LIST: What is your favorite...
Movie (American)	Pulp Fiction
Movie (Foreign, non-Anime)	The Killer
Movie (Anime)	Lupin III: Castle of Cagliostro
Live-Action TV Show	Seinfeld
Animated TV Show (American)	Futurama
Animated TV Show (Japanese)	Cowboy Bebop
Band	Rage Against the Machine
Solo Artist	"Wierd Al" Yankovic
Song	Bohemian Rhaspody (Queen)
Album	Evil Empire (RATM)
TV Channel	ESPN
Basketball Player	Delonte West
Baseball Player	Ichiro
Football Player	Willie McGinest
Hockey Player	Sergei Samsonov
Stadium	Boston Garden
Sports Moment	The bench-clearing brawl between the B's and Sens
Actor	Steve Buscemi
Shoe Brand	Adidas
SNL Cast Member	Chris Farley
Pro Wrestler (Current)	Chris Jericho
Pro Wrestler (Past)	Bret Hart
Video Game	Super Mario World 2: Yoshi's Island
VG Character	Solid Snake
Fighting Game Character	Akuma
Monkey Island Game	Monkey Island 2: LeChuck's Revenge
Star Wars Movie	Empire Strikes Back
Final Fantasy	VII
Stand Up Comedian	George Carlin
CREATE YOUR OWN! - or - GET PAID TO TAKE SURVEYS!

Also, about my previous post, I think the next Ginger-Mary Ann debate will be Lindsay Lohan vs Hilary Duff. With Lohan winning mightily. It's not our generation so much as the kids just entering high school, but I think we'll hear about that for a while.

ALSO, COMING SOON! THE BAD STREET BRAWLERS SEASON PREVIEW!!!

    It's the question that plagued generations before us. Anyone who watched Gilligan's Island for an extended period of time has asked themselves the question. It's more than just an issue of who is hotter. Ginger and Mary Ann represent two different personalities. The question is reflective of one's self.
    When doing that questionaire in my previous post, the questions came up of what we want in (presumably) the opposite sex. It was hard to answer them accurately, hence the vague responses. I was watching Evangelion again last night, and I began to wonder; what is our generation's Ginger vs Mary Ann debate? It's hard to come up with one, especially because there has been such a divide among kids of our generation. Some kids would bring up something stupid like Paris Hilton or Nicole Ritchie, even though they are both ugly, stupid spoiled whores. Watching Eva, it made me immediately think of two matchups. Rei vs Asuka, and Tifa vs Aeris (or Aerith). Each matchup represents something different.
    Rei is, in terms of the plot around her, probably a more important character to the overall story of Evangelion. Asuka is much more important to the development of Shinji's character, as both a source of negativity and an object of lust. In terms of looks, Rei is more voluptuous and her facial expressions are usually subdued, while Asuka is rail-thin, leggy, and frequently in a state of anger or aggression, which may turn some people off. While I like Misato more than either of them, I'd have to go with Asuka on this one. I personally think Rei is just a tad hotter, but Asuka is just infinitely more interesting. She's such a fantastically deep character. Rei gets kinda boring. Also, there's the whole mother thing...
    I think the Tifa-Aeris debate says more about you, though, than the other debates, especially because of the gigantic contrast between the two. Tifa is busty, scantily clad, flirtatious, and, sometimes, a bit ditzy. Aeris is dressed conservatively, despite having a nice body (from what we can tell), and  is sometimes shy but predominantly cute.

SPOILERS... ALTHOUGH IF YOU HAVEN'T BEAT FF7 BY NOW YOU ARE A KING BITCH AMONG BITCHES

    I think killing Aeris was something that almost needed to happen, assuming Seppy had to kill someone. I don't think we would've felt the same remorse if Tifa was killed. Like some people argue about Kurt Cobain killing himself, Aeris dying was the best career move she could've done. She became a martyr. She sent Cloud on a Laser Mission to destroy Sephiroth and he went on to do so without prejudice (although we can assume Seppy was public enemy no. 1 before he jammed a masamune into Flower Girl's spine). That all being said, I'm a Tifa guy. I like the outrageous personality over subdued. The body certainly helps, but Tifa is, like Asuka, just an infinitely more interesting person.
    There are other debates I can think of. Excel or Hyatt (Excel), Chun Li or Cammy (Cammy), Heather Mitts or Jenny Finch (Mitts), Kournikova or Sharapova (Kournikova for now... we'll see what Maria looks like in a few years, though), and Saria or Malon (Malon). I'm sure there are more...

And yes, I do understand that it's truly pathetic to speculate on sexual preference over animated or digital females. But hey... that's what I do.

I've seen three episodes of Robot Chicken so far. Each has its good moments and dumb ones. Being only a 10 minute show, it's hard to judge it. Tonight's episode was pretty damn good. Some random, not good stuff, but a great parody of Cannonball Run and a pretty good take on That 70s Show... I'll keep watching. There's new Sealab episodes beginning tonight. I'll watch, but I doubt it's gonna be any better.

EDIT: Yeah... Sealab still sucks. I know I say this all the time, but the problem is almost that they're trying too hard. The show became a hit, they got a higher budget, they created high-concept ideas, and the show suffered. Even though losing Goz didn't help, the episodes began to fall even before Tornado Shanks came around. There's been a few moments here or there, but... yeah. Sealab still sucks.

I thought this was funny.

    About three years ago, I was in a manic LucasArts adventure game binge. I played through the original Monkey Island, Monkey Island 2, Sam and Max Hit the Road, and Loom. All of these games were easily downloadable off "Abandonwarez" websites. This was in preparation for the fourth Monkey Island, which was one of the games I anticipated more than any other (outside of Yoshi's Story and Metal Gear Solid 3). I also played through most of Indiana Jones and the Fate of Atlantis, but I got caught in a rare rut in a SCUMM engine game, where you reach a point where you cannot continue because you forgot an item. I had only seen it in Loom, causing me have to restart the game. I took special care to remember to earn that spell that time.
    A few nights ago, I had a strange dream. Keep in mind, my dreams, if I even remember them, are trivial. Nothing important happens. Nothing happens, period. It's a typical bizarro dream where nothing of any consequence would happen, and thus is unlikely to be interpreted by Freud or any other psychologist or dream dictionary. This dream was simply the gameplay of Indiana Jones and the Fate of Atlantis, or least what I remembered of it. I was discouraged by my dead end and didn't play it again, but I had enjoyed the experience.
    So, inspired by the dream, I decided to give it another shot. The problem is, LucasArts has become almost Nazi-ish in their enforcement of copyrights. If the game is still sold by the publisher, it is illegal to have it for download. They have every right to enforce it, but I don't want to pay for it... even if they are great games. I searched Google for about 2 hours, trying to find one site that the man hadn't come down on. I finally found one, and saw they had the original Monkey Islands as well, so I downloaded all three.
    They all finished quickly, but alas, nothing is that easy. The sound didn't work. At all. No music, no sound effects. Damn. I remembered a lot of these games had a sound configuration utility included, but not in these downloads. I had lost all hope. That was Monday night. I thought about it some more today, when I was forced to watch the Nutcracker in my music class. I wondered if I could find that utility. When I got home, I searched for "SCUMM sound". Didn't find what I was looking for, but I found one better. A SCUMM virtual environment. A DOS emulator that was made specifically for LucasArts point 'n click adventure games, that automatically assigned all necessary sound channels. I was very happy. But my excitement did not end there.
    I looked for my old Sam & Max CD (well, not "my"... Andrew Grignon let me borrow it and I never returned it... that's a common trait of mine). I had played through the original DOS version with subtitles, but I had always wanted to play the CD version so I could get the voice acting and higher quality MIDIs. Every computer I had tried playing the CD version on, however, wouldn't play the voices. When I tried to use the aforementioned configuration utility, it gave me invalid messages. I chalked it up to a scratched disk and threw it in that stack of CDs that I like to come back to every 2 years (games like X-Wing Alliance, Jedi Knight, and Rogue Spear). I tried it on this SCUMM emulator... just for curiosity.
    BAM!
    Voices!
    I was very happy again. I now have 4 SCUMM games to play through again, which should keep me busy. Of course, I didn't need any reason to be busy. I've been on La Pucelle hiatus, I haven't opened Phantom Brave, and I barely got started in Snatcher, one of Hideo Kojima's first games, even after I spent a few days trying to find an MSX emulator. Ahhh... fun times in videogame land.

    I'm visiting Dom next Thursday for Spring Break. I want to have $140 in my bank account when I visit him, so I can spend up to $100 in DC and still have $40 for the next week before I return home and earn some more money. I have $140 in my bank account now, and $12 in my wallet. It'll cost me $11 for buses until next Thursday. This means if I want to meet my goal, I can't spend more than one dollar for the next eight days.
    I don't think I'm going to meet my goal. Either I'll lower my DC budget, or I'll have to use one of the blank checks my dad gave me... which I was hoping I wouldn't have to do unless I was buying groceries. We'll see if I can pull it off.
    I doubt it.

Any doubts about this trade should be silenced by now. I know its only 2 games, but Delonte is for real, and Antoine has already delivered everything we wanted so far.

It was also good to see Waltah get some big time buckets. Big time players make big time plays.